From the heart

I have been running this motherhood blog for about eight months, but never I wrote about myself. Since today is pretty breezy, work is not really piling up and I am quite in the mood,  ... I think its a good day to start sharing you of who I am.

I am the mother of Malicca Titan, a boy who just hit 5 yesterday. I am basically an ordinary mother who is trying to be extra ordinary. But then I know, being a capable mother is way harder than being extraordinaire. I don't have any particular role model of parenting style. I just ask a lot, browse a lot, discuss alot and confirming alot. In the end, I take all the good parts that is suitable and doable for me and my son.

My concept in parenting is simple: I want my son to know what he wants and be responsible of his decision. Having said that, my task as a parent should be simple too. That is to  give him as much choices as I can so he can scan all possibilities, think all the good and bad, rank the priorities, decide and take the consequences. Sounds simple though, but trust me... it is not :)

I am a single parent. I juggle between working in an advertising agency and home. I am the custodian but I never close or limit his father's access to him. And for a custodian, it is important for me to keep earning. Not only money, but also to earn more time to be with my child. So, ... since I split up with my former husband; it is a bit hard to hang out with my friends because I have to make time for my son. Some people think that I have been an outcast and pulling my self out of the world since the divorce. Or get traumatized.

The truth is, I am not. I get on my life; it is just things are not the same anymore. For the first time, being a single parent is like you accidentally lost one of your leg but you have to keep running maintaining the same speed to get the targetted destination you already set when you were having two legs. I was imbalance for the first couple of months, physically and emotionally, thank God I have the best support system that kept me on track.

I tried a few times to hang out with some friends after office hours, but it felt like my mind wasn't there because I kept thinking of my son at home. Then I already sleepy at ten (maybe because I put Malicca sleep at 9 and most of the times i got slept too). Then I got myself easily lost on the conversation and I would feel awkward even more. So, now I prefer to go straight home after office. Cook dinner or snacks together and watch Disney Junior with my satellite. Living in this digital world, having a chat with my friends are pretty handy through whatsapp, messenger or twitter. I am sure if they are my truly friends (and they really are), they will understand if I cannot join them for brewing coffee.

I live in Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. To some people, this is the city of dreams. But not for me. Jakarta's air is highly polluted, the traffic is very bad and we don't have any public open space for my son to play. The museums are not really well-maintained and there are so little entertainment except malls. For education, Indonesia doesn't have a good and credible standard. We have so many educational system but there are only few we can trust. To add with, education has being part of capitalism in this country, specially in this city. 

But I don't stop there. I keep trying to give better options for my son, because I know complaining won't bring us anywhere. For me, having children is like a second chance for me. Like being reborn to make a better person, to create a better world for us we live in, through my son. How? Teaching by examples, for sure.   

I still remember the days when I tried to conceive. I still remember the day I knew I was pregnant. I still remember the day when I delivered Malicca. But I hardly remember those sleepless nights having a baby or when he was sick. Now my satellite is five. When a baby was born, I was also reborn as a mother.

Thank you for making me stronger. Happy 5th birthday, son!


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