Karma

have you ever wonder what kind of life you and your kids will have when you get old?
i mean ... those rhetorical questions like would the kids be a good boy and girl in the future? would they be useful for the community? would they be useful for themselves? would they have a good job or career? would they survive the world? what would they think of you, their parents? would they take care of you as you will have a gradual hearing loss, memory loss and live as a retiree with limited amount of money? would they be happy? would you be happy seeing them?

well, i do. and i am sure you do too.

and having said that, since i would never be able to answer that, i reflect myself to what is happening to me now and my relation with my parents and other family members. have i been a good child? have they fed me with halal? what mistakes and goods they have made, all the deeds that make me what i am today: a karma for my parents.

and my children, will be my karma too.

then suddenly i am in a deep mourn, because the big question arise: have i been a good mother? have i done the right thing for them? because i think, i have not. i could have been better and want to be better. but how? what is a better mom in criteria? i don't have the checklists. would it be no more bribes? would it be no more toys? would it be giving all they want? would it be letting them do what makes them happy?

then what if they asks the mistakes i have done? the obvious ones? the path i have taken? and if i answer them, what if they cannot accept my reasons? would i be the one to blame? would they know that i only got one chance to be a parent? and in this case, their parent. would they understand, that many times, i also do not know what to do.

to my kids, malicca and la luna.
you are the chance that i have, and the only chance god gives me to be a mother. there is no way you can get back to my tummy and god definitely did not do a mistake sending you two to me. because we are made for each other.
and if i do something wrong, ever, and i am sure i will (or did), would you please forgive me? because as you grow each day, i also learn new things about you and about myself. because we all change every single day, it is just sometimes we forget to tell what the changes are.

i love you satellites.
how many times i have told you that it is not you who runs around me, it is you two that has been the centre of my gravity.